Guess Who's Back?!

Guess who’s back?! Back again?! I know you missed the shit out of me and these posts, you don’t need to tell me twice.

Okay but in all honesty, I said it best when I said I’ll be writing on this platform a ton (whether or not I’m actually publishing anything) or literally not. at. all…. OOPS! Can’t say I didn’t warn you!

I’m coming around to my 26th birthday in a few weeks, and oh, how life moves fast.

By then, it’ll be 2 years since Jack proposed to me. I just hit my 4 year mark of living back in UT. It will be 6 months of Jack and I living in our new home, and 6 months until our wedding. And somehow, once our wedding rolls around, it will be 10 years since Jack and I started dating.

Like Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around every once in awhile, you could miss it.”

I’m already missing this phase of life I’m in right now - nostalgic even?

Transparently, my mental health took a deep dive at the end of the year and in an effort to get myself out of the depths, I decided to purchase a daily gratitude and wellness journal, and each morning, you set three intentions. Each day this week, I’ve decided to make one of my intentions to be more present. This can happen in a multitude of ways; Staying off my phone, starting different conversations on interesting topics, learning new things, looking at the mountains and trying to find details I’ve never noticed before, smiling at strangers, and so on. I really want to soak up each day as it comes, the good, the not-so-good, and the tough moments, because one day, I know I’ll look back at this crazy wedding-planning, new house, almost 26-year-old me. I don’t want to miss these moments, and honestly, I refuse to miss this phase of life due to distractions, wasting my energy on things that don’t serve me, or doing things that don’t bring me joy. That party is over and that train has left the building!

I came across this quote by the most eloquently spoken Rupi Kaur in the fall, and it stopped me in my tracks.

I almost feel anticipatory grief for this chapter of my life - this past year has held some of the highest highs, and some of the lowest lows, (like really low lows, hiiiii cute depression, I’m talking about you!!!) but it’s proven to be one of my most favorite thus far. I don’t want it to end?! Even though I’m counting down the seconds until August?! Make it make sense.

To be honest, I was really nervous and quite frankly, not excited to be 25. I don’t know why I was feeling that way, but when I look back at that and compare it to life right now, with all the curves, twists, loops, and rollercoaster-esque feelings, life feels like an absolute dream. Cause that’s what life is, right? Just one big rollercoaster. And I couldn’t be more grateful for my own little crazy rollercoaster of a life.

Looking ahead, I know this year will be filled with so many emotions, one of the very best days of my entire life is on its way. (Queue the tears!)

I’m also not naive that the rollercoaster I’m on will also experience different ups and downs, curves, speed bumps, giant blessings, plot twists, so much joy, and universe winks; I feel ready for 26! The year I become a wife?! Twelve-year-old me is QUAKING rn! I was the little girl dreaming of getting married one day, dreaming of my wedding dress, my future husband, and having my wedding at Sundance. HOW DID WE GET HERE?! You said it best Ferris, life does move pretty damn fast!

But, I feel so blessed - I really do. There’s so much happening in the world (at all times, but especially right now) and with all the uncertainty out there, I do believe that 26 will be my best year yet.

I’ve previously talked on here about how I’ve been trying to find a safe space within myself, or finding a home within me, and I think as chapter 25 closes, the front door to the home inside me is starting to open. I got the keys, I’m unlocking the door, seeing through the crack in the door, and putting one foot inside. It’s a place I think has been there all along, I just couldn’t find it until now. I’m starting to feel more and more like myself each day, feeling safe being myself, unapologetically me, releasing outside opinions, letting people think what they may, and owning who I am. What a freeing feeling?! And also - Where the hell was this in highschool?! Or even 2 years ago?!

But also - I know this rollercoaster of life gives you what you need when you need it most, yet likely when you expect it the very least.

I think it’s such an interesting concept - life moves fast - for better or for worse - and there’s nothing we can do to stop and hit the pause button for even 5 minutes. But, with the gratitude and wellness journal I bought, I’ve realized just how much each span of 24 hours has to offer us. In the morning, it lets me set my intentions, reflect on my energy levels, plan a type of movement or exercise for the day, plan a restful moment, and describe how I woke up feeling. Once I’ve experienced all the day has to offer, I get to curl up in bed, reflect, write about my day, share what nourished my body or mind, write a kind or inspiring moment from the day, and close it out with a gratitude box. (Linking here) It’s truly a must-have, AND you get to customize the cover to say WHATEVER YOU WANT! It’s an art project and a self-love project that just keeps on giving! It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.

This journal (so far) is the only way I’ve felt like I can get my life to slow down in the midst of everything going on. To sit down with myself and be with this ever-evolving version of her.

I want to look back on this journal in three months, three years, and thirty years, share my day-to-day with my loved ones, and remember this is the year I found a home within me—something I’ve been looking for for so long—a comfortable, safe, and open space. This will be the year I finally started to love myself—and love who I was becoming. And I can’t tell you how miraculous it feels right now, knowing that things will only get better.

I feel it in the air around me - this shift. It’s palpable to me. Call it what you want, maybe it’s that my prefrontal cortex is now fully developed (thanks brain!), maybe it’s the fact that Pluto just entered Aquarius (hi that’s me) for the next 19 years, maybe it’s me finally learning how to prioritize me and take care of myself, maybe it’s because I am in therapy again, or maybe it’s just a part of growing up. But look how fast life moves.

One day, when you’re 16, you get a job at Sundance. The next, you meet a boy named Jack. Nine years later, you find yourself in your new home, sitting on the couch, planning your bachelorette party, and watching Love Island.

Thanks for reading my little rant - It might’ve been a rollercoaster in and of itself - but I hope you can find a way to slow your own life down. Look around, be present, not only with others, but most importantly, with yourself. You’ll never have this version of yourself again, so slow down and set some time aside each day, to just be with you, cause you’re always evolving. Don’t miss out on this version of you.

All my love,
S <3